"a little at a time"

When you see someone crying, what do you do? Offer to help them? Carry on with your business? What if it’s someone you don’t know? I often wonder what emotion we really mean to convey when we’re in a public setting. Do we want attention? Probably. This week has been one of the rougher ones, and I can’t seem but wonder why I let everything get to me. I find myself tense, muscles tight. I wake up in pain. I sit with my shoulders aching. My stomach gets upset when I eat. My body is very angry with me for some reason.

I know everyone has those days. Where you feel like its all just crumbling before your eyes. And you can’t help but feel suffocated. Today I broke down in tears. Ten minutes ago would be my third time today. The second time I cried today, I had let my mind wander too much after a very deep conversation with a few of my role models. We were discussing mental health, and the impact that suicide and depression has had on our lives. We want change, as the community has been in much pain. The gloomy weather reflects the melancholy atmosphere. We are grieving.

Yet sometimes I believe I am selfish. I don’t want to be. I don’t want to burden others with my problems. With my thoughts. With my struggles. My mind is far too complex for someone, anyone, to analyze. I cannot be fixed. I broke down in tears and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a person walk by the building. A few minutes later, he came inside and knocked on the door. He asked if I was okay. I told him I was fine, but he insisted. He asked if I had a lot of work to do. I said I was fine. He asked if I wanted to share. I didn’t want to burden him. I told him I was fine and that I appreciated that he came in to check. As he was leaving he said, “a little at a time.”

I was reminded why I love WM. Even if you think no one is looking out for you, someone always wants to help. Even if you don't know their name.

Life always hits in waves.

Life always hits in waves.
Don't let it crash down & engulf you.
Choose to ride the wave instead, and it will pass.

You Want Answers.

You Want Answers.

Why?

Why don't you smile?
Why don't you raise your head a bit?
There's so much beauty out there,
Waiting, just waiting for you to take it.
Take it all in, don't let it pass.
It's time.

Really?

To think it takes a tragedy to bring community together.
Violent reactions don't mix.
My heart will resist.

What?

I can't tell you what I've learned
More like what I need to learn
Learn to get up and get going
Learn to keep my courage
Learn to hold my faith in the highest regard

When?

When will you realize?
When will you understand?
When will you see that you've got to let go?
Let the world consume you in joy.
Let the world take you down a journey.
A journey where you find:

Peace.

this past Saturday

This past Saturday I went to meet some friends at the terrace at 12:30. I went on a walk with a friend of mine, got a sandwich at Wawa, visited another friend in her room at Jamestown and then went to a meeting. The meeting went terribly. My time was wasted and the committee I was meeting with was horribly disorganized. After the meeting, in hope for relief I reached into my bag for my iPod, but it wasn't there. My mood had gone from bad to worse. Music was something I had always depended on to provide me with an escape when things were getting stressful. I had been listening to an awesome EP by a band called Givers from Louisiana and all I wanted was to hear their take on dancy, afro-pop music.

I immediately tried retracing my steps. Where did I go? I texted my friend in Jamestown but she said that it wasn't there. I checked with the SC info desk, in case I had left it there and someone had turned it on. No luck. By now it was 4:15 and I had to lead sessions at the William and Mary Leadership Conference. I did my best to push my loss out of my head, but I could tell that I wasn't totally interested in what I was doing.

By now it was 6pm, I was walking to the Grind to meet with some friends for dinner, still trying not to think about the fact I had lost my iPod. Then while walking through the terrace, on one of the tables was my iPod, in its rubber case and with its earbuds wrapped neatly around it. I couldn't believe it, but then I remember only at William and Mary would my iPod remain untouched for the entirety of a Saturday afternoon. Thank you, William and Mary, for being so trustworthy.

Here:

Roma tomatoes are ripening in my mom's garden. I like to sneak out early, beat the humidity, and steal a couple for breakfast. They burst with taste. Their leaves smell wonderful.

Things I enjoy / that make me happy

- the designs a frozen mocha latte makes when the chocolate syrup and ice crystals are being sipped up through a straw
- leaving the house in the morning, passing by bright flower buds and coming back home in the evening to see that they've bloomed
- organizing the refrigerator and cleaning a year's worth of gunk off the exhaust hood over the stove
- puppies, always

hello world.

You know what's funny about travel?

It's the realization that comes with you when you step off the place you once thought you knew so like the back of your hands- the realization that, well, you didn't really know it THAT well.

You see, I thought I was over tripping the wobbly brick pathways of Williamsburg, tired of the silence that rolls around the town after 8pm, fed up that the only thing open after 8... was WAWA-- at least for the time being.

Turns out I wasn't.

I had plans to go to New York-- sprawling cement playground with good food, and non-stop entertainment. heard of it? My type of place for sure.

And it is...but just not quite home, yet.

ITS AWESOME, dont get me wrong, i would love to live here after graduation.. but lying in bed looking at the traffic rush through 3rd Av. and hearing the constant sirens and rushing people in suits, I realized that I'd made the right choice living in Williamsburg. Because the city, well, it's always in a rush and in a way it forces you to grow up- im still trying to perfect the starbucks-in-hand-im-cool-independent-and-dontreallyhavetimetowaste look (the slowest way possible, i can be an adult later).

In that little bubble I thought I knew, I had the best laughs with some of the best people (after 8pm of course), seeked "fun" in its simplest forms (hall bathroom dance parties anyone?), and had countless help from random strangers about tasks like writing a check.

And maybe-- williamsburg has made me soft, thawed my city heart out a bit. Because I've got to admit, I've become attached (and from someone with commitment issues, this is BIG): to wm, the people, and eveything around it-- and its nice to have this warm fuzzy spot i can always tell myself to refer back to.

Moral of this rambling is, i guess i don't really know the back of my hand that well.. maybe some kid came by and painted a nice picture for me to see when i did bother to look at it. who knows?

i'll leave you with a few lines from "say hey" by michael franti-- i know it's a love song but i thought it suited (:

"say hey, i be gone today,
but i be back from around the way
seems like everywhere i go,
the more i see, the less i know
but i know one thing, that i love you."

Smile

As college students constantly harassed and pressured by literally everything around us (Drink that! Finish that! What are you wearing?), it is easy to forget how to do one simple thing: smile. I mean, where is the joy in being late to class only to hear about a paper due the next that you havent even started. You run home in the rain to catch a nap but then your significant other breaks up with you?! What is life DOING to us!?

As an out of state student I experience these feelings almost on a daily basis. I get out of bed wishing I could walk down to my mom's delicious breakfast and just spend the day doing whatever I want; instead, it's meetings.classes.obligations.jobs. I get so lost in the motion of just trying to keep up with everyone that I literally will lock myself in the room and just cry as I emo out about my life. I know this sounds like a hopelessly depressing post, but thankfully I discovered the fail-not cure to such a struggle: smile. laugh.

I know that most times it is the last thing you want to do...I mean, how can you possibly find humor in such a miserable state? But it doesn't have to be like that. If I know that I am in one of those moods where simply being alone in a room can bring out the tears as I reflect on the day, I find a friend or group of friends nearby, and even if I dont feel like being social, force myself to talk to them. As I hear their exciting (or even mundane) stories, it makes me forget about how miserable I feel. Then, the moment will come without me even realizing it when a laugh will escape my lips, or a smile lights across my face, and literally, in an instant, all my pain and struggling is forgotten. I dont know the biological explanation for it (although it is proven that laughing is healthy), but just finding something to smile/laugh about, no matter how small or insignificant the laugh is about, will wipe away an entire miserable day/week/month. Thus my advice to each and every one of you readers is this: next time you feel like you lost, that you can't go on without crying, find that one minute, seemingly insignificant instant in that day that was funny, and let loose. Laugh. Talk to a friend, be goofy, and shake off the bad energy. A negative mood is all a frame of mind; all we have to do is find that one thing that will let us shift our focus to the many small, wonderful, funny, delightful, beautiful, sexy, warm aspects of our lives. Don't cry tears of sadness but tears of joy.

A Tribe, A Family

Everyday I walk by people on campus that I don't know, and probably will never know. We all are on the same journey, but we are taking different paths. And then some of us become lost. We become caught up in negative emotions; jealousy, hate, and elitism. We forget what the "Tribe" is about, and who we are as a family. I witnessed so much back-stabbing, so much ingenuity, and separation into cliques. Then we are brought back together due to losses in our "Tribe". We come back to our roots. The greatest feeling is when I can go to my brother or my sister and cry on their shoulder while they cry into mines. It is a reminder . But we don't need reminders. Next time you walk around campus during class changes notice all the faces; white, brown, and yellow. And then understand you will never know their struggle or pain. BUT have love for them; carry this love in your heart for she is your sister, and he is your brother, and we are a TRIBE...a FAMILY.
This makes me smile.

My Life

Life, a beautiful set up of rights and wrongs
A hopefully contribution of what to expect
Nothing more, nothing less
An experience
Full of
BLISS

My, Life Not Yours
I strive to be the best
I strive to continue, no rest
I do it all in the name of love
I do it all in the name of sorrow
I am able to do so with the support
Support from friends, family, it can never hurt
In a life where we meander in and out of an abundance of sores
So without further adieu, I would like to say, this is MY life, not yours.

Check it,

Give me a reason to be myself.
Give me a reason to live again.
Give me a reason to look up.
Give me a reason to show up.
Give me a reason to fly.
But never let me out of your eye.
Give me a reason to yearn for longing
Gve me a reason thats not too daunting.
Give me a reason to explore,
one I ever so clearly can't deplore.
...
I finally open my eyes to find
all these reasons are W&M in my mind

Unset Mindset

Right now, there is no emotion that I can truly convey.
But I can breathe in the sweet air surrounding me today.

I don’t care to analyze the should-have-beens, yesteryear or yore.
I am not here to contemplate my life as it was before.

I won’t look at the tomorrows. No whats, ifs, or whys.
No more doubting, no more tears, no more solemn goodbyes.

I won’t predict the future, assume nor ascertain.
I won’t plan for forever, but I’ll forget how to complain.

I will cast away these worries, for they are not mine to bear.
I’m erasing words that chill my bones, including hate, pain and despair.

I will dream, not strive to dream, nor live just as others do.
And the criticism I will surely suppress, subjugate, subdue.

For today is the present, and I’ve never felt so alive.
And, quite simply, that is all that my mind needs to contrive.

Things That Make Me Smile

Things that make me smile:

Sunshine and sparkling wine
Summer nights
Surprises
Finding myself someplace I never expected to be
with people I never expected to meet.

"Be Very Compassionate"

I have had dozens of moving, staggeringly beautiful experiences at William and Mary. One of the most unexpected parts of my William and Mary experience, for example, has been the consistency with which Tribe members celebrate one another's joys and mourn one another's struggles. Devoid of jealousy or apathy, people here truly care about one another.

But these are three stories that lack a real moment of any kind. They are not achievements. They are not losses. This is simply the story of the Marketplace staff serving students, serving me, to the very best of their ability without understanding how much their support means.

On a particularly hard day sophomore year, I arrived at the Marketplace for lunch, homesick and very lonely. I wanted to be with my Mama, and I wanted comfort food from my kitchen in Richmond. The staff member at Grillworks made me a grilled cheese sandwich, despite the fact that it was not on the menu, simply because I needed it. I nearly cried as she handed it to me over the counter. Together with two pints of 2% milk, that meal became one of the most memorable of my college experience. It sounds silly, but I knew I was home.

Just a few weeks ago, I was walking home from an event at the Kimball Theater that ended around 8:40pm. Thinking that the Marketplace was open until 9pm, I stopped in, walked through the unlocked doors, and started browsing the food in the refrigerated case. A staff member stopped mopping and came out to tell me that the registers had already been closed out and that the Marketplace was closed. I started to leave, already disappointed from a hard day and trying to figure out where I would find food before pulling an all nighter. The staff member caught me as I was leaving, told me to go back to case to get what I wanted, and to leave without paying. He said to me, "I could never send a college student home hungry." That extremely humble attitude demonstrated something I have encountered with that staff multiple times- they do not just do their jobs; they care about feeding us even when they have to make personal sacrifices.

Last, and most importantly, I was at the Marketplace salad bar at 10:45am the day after a student passed away. Since the Marketplace does not open for lunch officially until 11am, the staff was still meeting to organize for the day. After giving logistical reminders, the manager pulled everyone into a tight huddle, presumably to tell them about the student's tragic death. As I walked by to head to the register, I heard the manager tell her staff, "Be very compassionate today." I was overwhelmed with emotion as I thought about how considerate the staff members were and how much they cared about campus circumstances. As I mourned, I felt encouraged by that simple sentence.

So, in the spirit of the Marketplace staff, consider others' circumstances carefully. As Plato reminds us, "...everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Be very compassionate.

Go Tribe and Hark Upon the Gale.

Favorite Day of the Year

This month has been a struggle.
Life is a struggle.
But this month, oh it has been hard.
Seems like I'm always dealt the odd card.
The one that you often try to avoid, ignore.
The one that seems to knock on your door.

But wait, it's times like these that I realize.
That these odd cards are no surprise,
They do not mean to penalize,
They mean to open my eyes.

Dear God, I thank you for bringing to me
These struggles that bring me so much agony
Because after the pain settles, it's clear
I can smile when I look in the mirror

With just one innocent smile
I'm stronger, oh I'm stronger
Though people may doubt my word
Nothing can suppress what I've been assured

Today I woke up without much thought
And carried on without a caveat
And I was confronted by what I did not expect
A family that showed me much respect

My friends, they are my family forreal
They give my life so much appeal
Today I hugged each one of them
And remembered that WM isn't just about Swem

Swem Third Floor

My Junior spring was one of the toughest semesters I had at William & Mary. For an insane reason that still escapes me, I decided to take 18 credit hours.

It was the second week of finals and I had literally been up for almost three days straight trying desperately to finish a 20 page research paper for my Government Seminar. I was on the third floor of Swem at around 11pm when someone tapped me on the shoulder. Three girls were walking thru Swem handing out brownies and cookies for free. When I asked why they were doing this they explained that they were already done with their finals and they wanted to do something nice for the kids who weren't done yet to help them feel less stressed.

I thought that this was possibly the sweetest thing I had ever heard and it really highlighted to me exactly how lucky we are to be a part of the Tribe community.

It was a little thing that made a big difference for my mental state. I ended up getting an A on my paper, and I don't think the chocolate chip cookies they gave me were the reason why... but they certainly helped!

Charmed

I thought I should tell you a simple, but heart-warming story about a girl and her cereal. For starters, said girl (I'm going to talk about myself in 3rd person by the way) does not have a meal plan, but every Sunday, one of her friends swipes her in so she can enjoy eating with them after church. It gets better. One day, to her horror (yes, horror actually finds a place in such a sweet tale), when she was craving Lucky Charms the most, there was none to be found. A worker overheard her plight, which really was more infantile than dire. However, he went out of his way to open up a gigantic, fresh bag of the most wonderful cereal ever invented. It need not be named twice. He intentionally flipped the bag upside-down, and thus the most perfect bowl of cereal was born. There never was a bowl of saccharine superiority more resplendent, and by that she means more chock full of marshmallow-y goodness, than the one she witnessed then. Many of her friends also partook in admiring the splendor, aka filching some of the delicious marshmallows. It was a lovely brunch, and this little thing was a wonderful, ADD inducing part of her day. She would also like to thank the Caf staff for making this moment possible.

Hakuna Matata~~

[Pumbaa:]
I'm a sensitive soul though I seem thick-skinned
And it hurt that my friends never stood downwind
And oh, the shame {Timon: He was ashamed}
Thought of changin' my name {Timon: Oh! What's in a name?}
And I got downhearted {Timon: How did ya feel?}

....

[Both:]
Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase
Hakuna Matata! Ain't no passing craze

[Simba:]
It means no worries for the rest of your days

[All:]
It's our problem-free philosophy
Hakuna Matata!

I think it was spring semester of last year when the facebook fad of listing 25 random things about yourself was at it's peak. The Flat Hat published some of random things William and Mary had posted on their facebooks. I remember reading an entry that said something like "there are some trees around campus that remind me of the trees from the Lion King, so every time I pass by them I sing a Lion King song." I still don't know what trees this person referred to, but every time I pass by any row of trees around campus I sing Hakuna Matata to see if the song and the trees match up. I think the student referred to the trees behind Swem, but I can't be sure. Still though, this random student helped me remind myself to stay calm even if I'm crumbling under lots of work or if everything goes wrong. So, yeah, thank you random William and Mary student and Flat Hat for reminding that everything passes-- so... no worries.

Serendipity

One day last semester I decided to eat at the Sadler Center for breakfast, something that I would do every now and then when I managed to get out of bed before noon. After finishing, I headed back to my room, passing by the Crim Dell on my way. This time, however, two slices of bread sat on the wooden fence bordering the Crim Dell and the road.

I was intrigued.

I thought about it for a second, and then looked down. Fish! I couldn't see too many, but I saw some. So I began to tear the bread up in small pieces and feed them.

And then it began. Fish from all parts, swimming towards the floating pieces of bread, racing. Bread like raindrops, splashing inwards in a vibrant display of energy, the motion of fish concentric. Something like ripples and gravity.

I go back whenever I can, taking a slice of bread or two from the Sadler Center. Turtles show up now as well. (They -- like the koi that show up from time to time -- aren't as nimble as the smaller fish, so I try to be fair by throwing closer to them every few pieces.)

I wish I could swim with them, rub up against their scales and shells, and say, "Thanks for making me smile."